I have been so lazy this winter and I am starting to see the resalts...AHHHHH! I really need to start working out, even when I don't feel like it. I don't want to look like a whale by the time that summer comes. My husband tells me all the time that I look great and that he wouldnot care if I became fat, we'll I would. I have never been fat, and to tell you the truth I never want to be.

 I want to live a long healthy life, and I am hoping that I can convince my husband to do the same. It bothers me that he doesn't care what he eats as long as it tastes good, even if that means he ends up with problems and does not live as long of a life as he could. This reminds me of what I would do to my brother when he was little. Every time he said or did something stupid I would jokingly grab a dictionary, hit him in the head and say " I'm trying to nock some sence into you!", he would just giggle.

 I feel bad lately because I suddly came down with this "I never want to have kids" illness. It all started after I got sick a couple weeks ago, I just started thinking that my pregnancy could be very bad. I also thought about all the bad illness's that it could come down with or even worse be born with. I tried to talk to my husband about it, but he just said "don't worry about it...it's not very likely that there will be something wrong with our child." I tried to tell him that I diden't want to have to have children...and if I change my mind I want to adopt. He was not to happy about that, and I understand...Thing is I want to be a mother, I want to be able to have a little person grow inside of me, but I don't want anything bad to happen. I have told him that if we have a child with any mental disabilities I am not going to keep it no mater what. I have seen to many people practically killing themselves trying to take care of a child like this. Some end up getting very violent when they get mad, others have other health problems that are very seriouse. I know that I would be the mother and that only I could love it to the highest extent, but I know that I could not raise it the way that someone who is skilled with taking care of children like this could. I pray to God that I will not have a child with a mental dissorder. Even though I know that it would be best to put the child up for adoption I also know that I would not want to let it go, but I promise myself that I will not take the child home. My husband told me that he understands and that he would never judge me, but I know that people will not be the same. People will tell me that this is ungodly, and I will probably here this untile I die, but I know that it would be for the best.

What would you do if you had a child with mental disabilities?

 Just last night I was playing Fabal II...Without realizing it I had a little girl with brown hair as my first child, and my second child was a little boy with red hair.

 This morning I was watching a show and I noticed that that this couple had a little girl and then they had a little boy...

  The thing that I thought was the coolest was that each group of children the little girl was about 2-3 years older...Ok I promis I'm nt going crazy, but I thought that this was just woired.

  I have not had another dream that seems to conect to any of the three, though it was yesterday that I wrote about the dreams. I wounder if they are real? If it will really appen?

   Something that has been buging me since I read something that another girl wrote...She said that God called her to be a nurse...What does God really want me to be? I feel as if there is something other then what I want to become...That I can make a diference...Maybe by helping starving children? I don't know...Please God direct me to be what you want me to be.